I have never been one to do anything ahead of time but always have been one to get things done in time. I knew I would eventually decide on a college, just as a couple months prior I knew that I would eventually get my applications in on time. I turned in my deposit 9 p.m April 30, 2018, having only decided upon my decision a few hours before. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how I feel and I'm tired of hearing about the many things and ways I'm supposed to feel. I'm just exhausted.
Despite my muscle weakening exhaustion, a heaviness weighing down upon my mentality, it seemed that I had yet to break down, to even slightly quiver ( a rarity for me and my mental state). Instead I ran on happiness for about two and a half weeks. Happiness from another human and happiness from denial. While I didn't do much photographing during this time I began to listen to photography podcasts, stories told by great photographers. I began to do my own research and dig up my own sources of inspiration. I have found in these two weeks that my new inspiration (though I have always loved many of these photographers) is darker than my clientele. The twisted, yet raw photographs of Goldin hardly tie into my Senior Photo Marketing.
Yet I crave that rawness, the sadness and horror within the images that are capturing moments of authentic, internal pain. My fingertips were first pushed towards a camera by the depression that seemed to hover over me five years ago and I have since been caught between the happiness of photographing others for their own pleasure and the emotional release that comes with photographing a darker, raw, concept.
five hour drive, NYC, 2018
on our way, New York, 2018
Little Maine seems to be slowly suffocating my expression, my passion but only because I let it... only because I do not take it upon myself to push deeper into what this beautiful (and complicated) state has to offer. Behind this "Vacation-land" face, is a darker interior riddled with the hardship of its population. And this is what I wish to explore.
Every conflict eventually must have a resolution... even if it's not a perfect one. My Instagram is likely to soon be scattered and messy... filled with lighthearted senior photos and contrasted by different-darker- work. I wish to push myself and strive to create photos that resonate with a different part of the heart and mind. While I love shooting work such as senior photos or couples, the feeling of capturing joy and personality in a way that makes the subjects feel beautiful, my artistic soul craves more. So I will do both.
